What Role Does Family History Play in Shaping Parenting Styles?

Have you ever noticed your reaction to something your kids did and thought, “Wow, that’s exactly how Dad, Mom, or Grandma would have reacted!”? In such moments, did you stop to think that your parents’ or grandparents’ reactions would have stemmed from their experiences (or lack thereof) with their own parents too? Now you see where this is going.

Our childhood experiences, whether good or bad, shape how we perceive and react to certain situations, even those centered around our children. Whatever our parents did with us, coupled with those inherited traits that run in the family, leaves an imprint on our psyche, which becomes a template for parenting. So, if they had done things differently, we’d likely have done things differently too.

Nature vs. Nurture, Which Dominates?

For a long time, scientists believed that nature (or genetics) plays a larger role in a child’s development than nurture (the environment, family, and other influences). But over the years, quite a number of them have become more convinced that both aspects rather influence a child’s personality equally.

In fact, some studies show that nurture could have an even greater effect on parenting than previously thought, even though many scholars still take the middle-ground approach. One big factor within this nurturing environment that affects how a parent raises their kids is their family, or in other words, their upbringing.

So, in what way and to what extent does this factor influence parent-child relationships? Here are some answers.

Learned Behaviors and Values

The behaviors and values we inherit from our family are so deeply rooted that they form the foundation for our thoughts, perceptions, and actions, most times, without us even knowing it. Interestingly, these norms are often passed down through generations, creating a cycle of influence. So, imagine you grew up in a household where open communication and emotional expression were encouraged; you’d likely adopt this parenting style down the line, right?

You might encourage your kids to freely speak up about their thoughts and feelings. In the same vein, if you experienced a more authoritarian upbringing, where strict rules and discipline were emphasized, chances are that you would replicate this approach. Why? Because you would believe that a structured environment with clear boundaries, even if it’s not always pleasant, helps instill good values in children.

And, your child—internalizing these values—would likely continue the cycle for their own kids, making you more of a freehand or authoritarian parent. But this isn’t always the case though, as your child might choose a contrasting approach to avoid replicating a negative experience, if there were any.

Cultural and Generational Influences

Raising a child really does take a village, especially when you think about how society and culture shape parenting styles from one generation to another, both consciously and subconsciously. For example, a cultural value like respecting one’s elders can affect how your parents disciplined you. Those who grew up in the 70’s Boston suburbia know quite well that if you misbehaved at your friend’s house, their parents were within rights to give you a good spanking and then call your parents to let them know.

In Japanese culture, discipline tends to be gentle, focusing on harmony and respect rather than strict punishment, and education is highly valued. Children are taught to be independent at an early age, with many of them walking on busy streets or taking the subways without supervision. Such can’t be said for the U.S., as Child Protective Services would show up in a New York minute if any American parents let their six-year-old ride the subway alone.

This shows how cultures from around the world hold different views on raising children.

Trauma and Resilience

Childhood trauma or hardship can remold a child’s brain, lower their self-esteem, and complicate their relationships as they grow up. If these issues are not addressed, the child—now an adult—becomes emotionally unavailable, even to their children and grandchildren. This creates an impression that they don’t care, and as such, encourages emotional independence and resilience in their offspring.

For some, these experiences may affect their parenting style through overcompensation by becoming overly protective of their kids to make up for their parents’ mistakes. So, a mom who was sexually abused by her caretaker as a child might act aggressively whenever her daughter is around male friends. Similarly, a dad who saw his parents overdose on drugs might be stricter with his son, making sure he stays away from anything toxic or harmful.

Mental Health and Coping Mechanisms

Similar to trauma, mental illnesses like depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder can alter one’s perception of reality and affect their parenting ability; parents with these issues often struggle to care for themselves, let alone their kids, which can lead to neglect. However, those who manage well with healthy interventions like meditation and therapy might pass these coping skills to their children.

Since mental disorders are partly genetic, it’s important to look at family patterns, and that’s where making a family tree comes in handy. This can help spot generational cycles of mental health issues and how people in the family have dealt with them, whether in healthy or maladaptive ways. It can also help you understand what might be influencing your behavior and guide you to the right support.

With this support, you will build a sense of identity and resilience, making it easier to break negative cycles and create a healthier environment for your kids.

Conclusion

As Matt Walsh says, “Parenting is the easiest thing in the world to have an opinion about, but the hardest thing in the world to do.” The reality is that we are all different, even within families, which makes the job of raising kids even more challenging. In essence, there’s no cookie-cutter approach as parenting comprises various elements of nature and nurture that apply to each person differently.

So, it’s up to you to reflect on what makes you who you are and why you parent the way you do using the tips in this guide. Who knows? You might stumble on answers that will help you bond better with your children.