Divorce is messy. End of story. Whether you’re a child when it happens, an adult, or even just a friend of someone who’s walking through it, it’s never fun. And I say that as someone whose parents had what many would consider the most amicable divorce known to man. Handling divorce as a family requires understanding and patience.
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Last weekend, my mom got remarried.
It was beautiful—sunshine, flowers, laughter, family gathered around to celebrate her new beginning. But if you looked a little closer, you could also see it:
- Hurt
- Sadness
- Confusion
- Anger
Because here’s the truth nobody likes to say out loud: divorce is messy. No matter how kind or civil the parents are, no matter how many years have passed, handling divorce as a family always involves navigating complicated emotions underneath the surface.
The Dream vs. The Reality
Growing up, many of us imagine we’ll live in that picture-perfect house with the picture-perfect family. The mom, the dad, the kids, maybe even a white picket fence. It’s the dream we’re sold in storybooks and movies. But in reality? Nine times out of ten, that’s not how it turns out. Families don’t always stay whole.
Divorce is still treated as something taboo in many circles. In my world, that taboo was even heavier. I grew up in a conservative Baptist church. My dad was a family and marriage counselor, and my mom was the pastor’s secretary. So when whispers of the “D-word” started floating around, the shock was almost unbearable. How could a family like ours, the family who was supposed to “have it all together,” be falling apart? Handling divorce as a family in such an environment added additional pressure.
Even now, as an adult, I see the awkwardness that follows when people find out my parents divorced. They stumble over their words. They try too hard to make it better. Or worse, they don’t say anything at all because they simply don’t know what to say.
That’s why I want to share a few truths from my own journey—lessons I’ve learned about coping with divorce as an adult child, and what I wish more people understood about handling divorce as a family.
What I Wish People Knew About Divorce
1. Stop telling the kids how happy the remarried parent is
I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard: “Your mom looks so happy now!” or “Aren’t you glad she’s finally found someone?” And while I know people mean well, those comments sting. Of course I want my mom to be happy, but hearing it over and over feels like you’re invalidating my own sadness.
Here’s the raw truth: every child, deep down, hopes their parents will somehow end up back together. That hope doesn’t disappear just because a remarriage happens. When you gush about how happy my parent is, it feels like you’re telling me my grief isn’t welcome. If you don’t know what to say, it’s okay to say nothing at all.
2. A hug is better than a counseling session
At weddings, family reunions, and even casual get-togethers, I’ve had people corner me with unsolicited advice. They’ll start giving speeches about how “time heals everything” or “you’ll be grateful one day.” Let me just say: those pep talks do not help.
What does help? A hug. A smile. A quick squeeze of my hand. Presence is more powerful than words. Sometimes the most healing thing you can do is simply show up without trying to fix anything.
3. Don’t compare your story to mine
This one is huge. Maybe your parents divorced when you were younger. Maybe you’ve gone through your own divorce. Maybe you’ve never experienced it at all. Whatever your story is, it’s not mine.
Everyone processes divorce differently. Everyone’s family dynamic is unique. Comparing stories doesn’t make me feel understood—it makes me feel minimized. Instead of trying to relate by telling me about your story, just listen to mine.
4. Acknowledge the messiness
One of the most healing things someone has ever said to me was simply: “This must be so hard.” That’s it. No advice, no silver lining, no wrapping it up in a bow. Just acknowledging the truth.
Because the truth is, divorce is messy. It’s confusing. It’s complicated. And it’s okay to admit that out loud. Pretending it’s not messy doesn’t make it any less painful.
5. Remember the kids, even when they’re grown
One misconception I hear often is: “Oh, but you’re an adult—it must have been easier.” Let me be clear: divorce is hard at any age. Whether you’re six or twenty-six, it changes your family forever.
When your parents divorce as an adult, you’re expected to “handle it better” because you’re grown. But being older doesn’t protect you from grief. In fact, sometimes it makes it harder. You’ve spent decades knowing your family one way, and suddenly, it shifts under your feet.
The Bittersweet Truth
At the end of the day, I love both of my parents. I love that my mom has found love again and that she’s excited about her future. I love that my dad has built a new chapter for himself, too. But as their daughter, I carry the bittersweet mix of joy and grief. I can celebrate while still mourning the family that was. Both emotions can coexist.
Life after divorce for families is never as neat as people want it to be. There’s no clean line between “before” and “after.” Instead, it’s a blend of old traditions and new beginnings, of grief mixed with gratitude, of laughter echoing against old pain. Handling divorce as a family means accepting this complexity.
So if you’re walking alongside a friend whose parents are divorced—or maybe you’re navigating it yourself—here’s my best advice:
- Don’t try to fix it.
- Don’t downplay the grief.
- Don’t rush the process.
Just be there. Listen. Love them in the small ways. Offer hugs instead of words. Because divorce is messy, but friendship doesn’t have to be.
Divorce may always be a part of my story, but it doesn’t have to define me.
It’s shaped me, it’s stretched me, and it’s given me compassion for others walking through brokenness. And if nothing else, it’s reminded me that families don’t have to be perfect to be full of love.
So to the moms, dads, friends, and family reading this—whether you’re going through divorce yourself or loving someone who is—remember this: sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is simply sit in the mess with them.
Because love, in all its imperfect forms, is what carries us through.